I wish I wasn't such a woman

First, I'd just like to point out that the two of you have been sadly lacking in posts lately. Maybe I'm just monopolizing the stage a bit...or maybe you should just write more. Originally I thought this would be more of a back and forth thing.

Second, what follows has a few references to a certain person that's been on my mind lately. Maybe it's juvenile that I feel I need to continue to hide my feelings, but there it is. Consequently, her name has been left out, but I'm sure you both know what I'm talking about. Actually if she did read this, she'd know exactly who I was talking about, but so it goes. Feel free to mock me for being a girl - you know I get that way sometimes.

So...

I woke up today feeling good. I got to see college friends I hadn't seen for half a year last night, and managed to avoid a hangover, which, like Jack said, always feels like an accomplishment after a night of heavy drinking. The general feeling of well-being did not last.

I missed church, which always sets me off a little bit. I feel guilty when I miss church, but more than that church, as it is meant to do, helps me to reconnect with the spiritual and to refocus my thoughts towards God. When I drift away from my primary purpose (self-improvement through internally lining up my will parallel to God's) I tend to slip into a kind of listlessness. I don't mean the melancholy that I have so often written about, but more of an empty, unexplainable boredom and loneliness. I think that I tend towards sadness because it's just the easiest way to alleviate the boredom. When I mope, at least I have something to do.

So of course, soon after happily waking I realized I had nothing to do today and no one to do it with. I started thinking of ----- maybe just to pass the time. Then again, I always am thinking of her these days. This past week I haven't spent much time with her, partly because I hoped that that would help, but it hasn't.

I know if I said something what the answer would be. So why should I say anything? Why should I make it uncomfortable for her too? "If you look at life like rolling a dice, then my situation now, as it stands - yeah, it may only be a 3. If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better, yeah, I could easily roll a six - no problem, I could roll a 6... I could also roll a 1. OK? So, I think sometimes... Just leave the dice alone."

I've always wanted to be someone's Laurie, you know? I've always wanted to be such good friends with someone that I could come over any time without having to plan ahead, to be friends with the girl's family. I think I could live with being ----'s Laurie, but I don't think she even sees me that way. And since I know she doesn't see me as more, I don't know what that makes me. I'm not sure I can stand just to be a common friend - someone that she may remember fondly but wouldn't make an effort to keep in contact with.

When I step back to try and think about it objectively I couldn't really say why ---- and not someone else. We have some things in common, but there is a lot where we are very different: about important things too.

I think maybe we fall in love when we really just want to be loved in return: love therefore being a reason in itself.

Still, I didn't actually mean to vent about ---- when I started this, just like I didn't actually mean to ruin my day by thinking so much about her. I just meant to describe how I"m incredibly lonely up here and I've got a restless, empty pit in my stomach. I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with ------. But I can't seem to shake it for more than a few days at a time, so I thought I'd write it out of my system, but it hasn't really seemed to help.

To paraphrase a great man - I've got a hole inside and I can never drink enough or steal enough or kill enough to fill it. I know the only thing big enough to fill it is God, but knowing it isn't enough. Why can't I make myself do anything about it?